Daily Archives: September 27, 2011

Dear Editors,

What’s happening? What’s happened to us? Where did we go wrong? Back when I began this madcap, pleasure-destroying project almost two years ago to the day you used to commission me to write things for you. Often I didn’t even have to ask. I’d open up my email account in the morning and there you’d be, all “Sorry to burst into your life like this, but we’d like 2,000 words on whatever” and off I’d go and write 2,000 words on whatever. When I did suggest things to write about, most of the time you’d say yes, but when you didn’t say yes you would at least say no very kindly.

That was two years ago. Now, nothing. Now, a kind no sees me smoking a sleeve of Camel Lights in celebration. I can only imagine that one of two things has happened. Both are bad. Either I’ve been blacklisted by the entire industry, or the entire industry is in such a state that you cannot afford to pay me any longer. But that can’t be it, because I still know a handful of freelancers who make a decent living. Or at least a living.

There might, of course, be a further possible reason. Namely that I’ve become absurdly bad at writing and pitching. That can’t be it though, can it? It might be half true. Oh, and it could be that I write things on my blog like, “Editors make you fuck them in bins and buy them hats before commissioning you,” but I didn’t really mean that, only said that to be funny and it’s not that funny anyway.

Anyway, editors, anyway, fuckos, I just want you all to know that Pitching the World isn’t terribly representative of my work. I care about what I do and have always delivered crisp, attractive, compelling and error-free copy on time. Always. Except for one feature I did for the Independent back in October 2007 about prefabricated housing that was absolute dogshit.

Please start commissioning me again.

Thanks for listening.

Yours sincerely,

Pitching the World

A picture of Pitching the World looking rubbish at a rubbish looking party, earlier. This is perhaps why I don’t get commissioned an awful lot, now. 

Yesterday morning I made a momentous decision. ‘I’m not going to get out of bed today,’ it began. ‘In fact, not only am I not going to get out of bed today, I’m never going to get out of bed again. And not only that, but I’m not going to even see anyone ever again. They – whoever they are – can’t stop me. I’ll barricade myself in this room and demand that food be shoved in under the door. It’ll make for a slightly inelegant diet – bacon, crisps, pancakes, that sugary rice paper stuff – but it’ll be worth it. Perhaps cream cheese can be squirted through the keyhole. Will cigarettes fit through there? Balls. Well, I’ll quit smoking. But where will I toilet? And who’s going to be squeezing stuff through the keyhole and sliding stuff under the door? No one, that’s who. More balls. Okay world, you win. I’ll get up, but only after four cigarettes and two panic attacks.’

My quickly abandoned (and not at all momentous) decision to remain in bed for the rest of my life didn’t stem from not giving a fuck. If anything, I give too much of a fuck. Or I did. But one quickly find oneself going from giving too much of a fuck, to giving a reasonable amount of fuck to hardly giving any fuck at all. No fuck. Not giving any fuck. The stream of rejections and walls of silence one encounters can get a bit much at times but what really seemed to grate yesterday was that I seem to spend all my time writing about things that I don’t want to be writing about and none of my time writing about things that I do want to write about.

You’ll be delighted to hear that I’ve found a way around it, to beef up my levels of fuck-giving. Let me show you. Okay, so I’ve half-heartedly pitched an idea about going to a Muay Thai training camp in Phuket, training for four or six or however many weeks it takes and then having a semi-professional fight at the end of it. The condition I’m in at the moment, it’ll probably take a year. It’s not a particularly novel idea, but it’s a good one – one I’d really like to do – and one I could write up pretty well I reckon. I’m planning on pitching it around some more (I’ve only sent it to Men’s Fitness so far) but if no one picks it up I’m going to do it anyway. The training and the fighting, I mean. I can’t afford to do it, but I’ll find a way. Not having a commission makes it seem a little pointless, but it will be good for me and I can still write about it and put it up here.

There’s plenty of other stuff out there that I want to write about and if no one is willing to pay me for it I’m going to do it and write about it anyway. How’s that for a plan? Don’t answer. Anyway, you’ll all read it won’t you? Don’t answer. I realise that this way is massively logistically flawed but it got me through the day yesterday and had me leaping from my bed this morning and I’m trying to give the logistical side of it not too much of a fuck right now. Watch this sweary space.

Someone not giving a fuck, earlier.