My Wife, Dubai, Other

My wife is seeing someone else and I’m going to Dubai on Thursday. My wife is seeing someone else and I’m going to Dubai on Thursday. My wife is seeing someone else and I’m going to Dubai on Thursday. My wife is seeing someone else and I’m going to Dubai on Thursday. My wife – my wife – is seeing someone else and I’m going to Dubai – Dubai! – on Thursday.

Actually, I’m pretty happy about both things. That my wife – my own wife – is seeing someone else shouldn’t really be discussed publicly. That I’m going to Dubai on Thursday should. For a start, going to Dubai on Thursday provides ample opportunity for me to stop drinking on Thursday. Alcohol in Dubai isn’t as freely available as alcohol in London and, from what I hear, it’s considerably more expensive. This should help me stop drinking. And I could certainly do with stopping drinking. When I thought I was drinking before, I wasn’t really drinking. I was flirting with drinking. Now I’m really drinking: now I’ve stopped flirting with drinking and I’ve taken it round the back of a supermarket to have sex with it in a bin.

Frankly, it’s fucking brilliant. No longer do I drink coffee, I drink brandy coffee. No longer do I drink tea, now it’s rum tea. Have you tried rum tea? You really should. Of course there are the cans still – it’s impossible to walk around east London without buying a can of lager, they’re fucking everywhere. And so cheap. And so splendid – and the wine with dinner and the night caps and the morning caps (while I’m waiting for the kettle to boil for my delicious rum teas) and it all has to stop and where better for it to stop than Dubai where I can swim and go to the gym (I’ve never been to the gym. Can someone tell me what happens there?) and work on the book, and try to get over the breakdown of my marriage (my wife is seeing someone else. He’s fucking dead) and do my best to ignore the prohibitively costly and not-widely-available booze?

And where better to get the sinking ship that is Pitching the World back to where it belongs? Yep, Dubai. All I have to do is go back over some of my previous pitches and add IN DUBAI at the end of them.

Regular readers – who I love – will remember me pitching Men’s Health with an idea about becoming a better person through adversity. The crucial paragraph in that killer pitch read:

So how about a feature on how your readers can deliberately put themselves through testing situations – physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially and so forth – and come out of the other side better people?

Yet once I get to Dubai, I’m going to resend the pitch drawing on my experiences of living in a foreign country to give the pitch a more colourful angle. Once I become established in Dubai, I imagine the rejigged paragraph might read:

So how about a feature on how your readers can deliberately put themselves through testing situations – physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially and so forth – and come out of the other side better people? In Dubai.

Or perhaps even:

So how about a feature on how your readers can (in Dubai) deliberately put themselves through testing situations – physically (in Dubai), emotionally (in Dubai), psychologically (in Dubai), spiritually (in Dubai), financially (in Dubai) and so forth (in Dubai) – and come out of the other side better people? In Dubai!

Right fuck this, I’m off for a rum tea. Will write more from Dubai (in Dubai!).